Fantasy Vs. Desire: The Crucial Difference

Discover the difference between a fantasy and a desire in order to get more of what you really want!

If you are ready to expand your erotic horizons and start exploring new parts of your sexuality, it is essential to draw a clear boundary between your desires and your fantasies. This article is adapted from The Fantasy Method: How To Discover Your Authentic Sexual Desires and Create a Fulfilling Sex Life by The Pleasure Mechanics.

Desire Vs. Fantasy

Many people try to open a conversation with their lover by saying something like “Tell me about your fantasies. . .” While this is a great question to ask, often couples get into trouble when they haven’t defined their terms. The difference between Fantasy and Desire is incredibly important to establish and maintain. Establishing this difference will give you more freedom to explore Fantasy and more confidence in naming your Desires. You’ll be more likely to know what you authentically want, and much more likely to make those Desires a reality. We strongly urge you to maintain a very clear distinction between these terms, according to their dictionary definitions:

Fantasy:  the faculty or activity of imagining things, esp. things that are impossible or improbable

Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.

Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Desires are those experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. Desires are specific elements from the world of fantasy and reality that you find fulfilling.

In Fantasy, anything is possible. The limits of reality do not apply. The bank account is endless, your health and safety are guaranteed. You are dropped into the blank slate of possibility, and the only limit is your imagination. In the realm of Fantasy, you can privately explore the outer limits without having to justify your thoughts to anyone, without any risk.

Something changes from a Fantasy to a Desire as soon as you want to make it real. Fantasies are not fulfilled - Desires are. Fantasies live in our imagination alone, Desires are part of our real physical lives. Pleasures may change from one category to the other over your lifetime, moving across the boundary as dictated by your life circumstance, physical abilities and your emotional and physical needs.

Defining the Boundary Between Fantasy and Desire

When it comes to sex, a realistic boundary between what is best left to fantasy alone is essential. This boundary is what allows you to have an active erotic imagination while also having a safe, fulfilling and legal sex life. For example, many people fantasize about public sex. The idea of being sexual in a crowded place, with the thrill of discovery and the rush of adrenaline is a very tempting fantasy. As a reality, it is one of the highest risk activities out there. Getting caught having sex in public puts you at risk of being labeled a sex offender - which comes with the very real repercussions of jail time, losing your job and a lifetime of being publicly listed as a sex criminal. Not very hot, huh? We cringe when we read sloppy sex advice that says things like “Spice up your sex life! Have sex in a public place!” This is an area where you can have very active and detailed fantasies about sex in public and be totally safe - but you must proceed with extreme caution if you want “sex in public” to be a desire you actually want to fulfill.

An active exploration of both Fantasy and Desire is absolutely critical for a fulfilling sex life. In Fantasy, you can freely explore without consequences, noticing your reactions and responses to a huge range of possibility. Then, you can name your Desires, the specifics about what you want more of in your actual life, and begin seeking out their fulfillment. Without permission to Fantasize, our Desires become very thin or non-existent. So many people we talk to say things like “I don’t even know what I want” or “I have no desires whatsoever.”  We are willing to call that bluff, and invite those folks and everyone else into the rich territory of their erotic imagination, into the realm of Fantasy. Everyone has Desires - they just may be hibernating or hiding out. With an active exploration of your Fantasies, you can wake up your dormant Desires and suddenly your erotic life becomes much more vibrant and much, much more satisfying. Learning to differentiate the two is the first huge step in figuring out what you really want - and how to get it.